


Glow Me!

by Denise



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack Pairing, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-06 06:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denise/pseuds/Denise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An episode parody of Meridian</p>
<p>Yep, I parodied Meridian. So many people were writing such touching and sensitive fic that I just went totally the other way. I think it was Crack Fic before anyone called the CrackFic. Spoofs, parodies, silliness, over the top, and as many have told me, very funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glow Me!

**Author's Note:**

> Note- Those of you that know me know I can write nice sensitive, angsty fic…this isn't one of those . I figure there are plenty of writers who are going to give Meridian a nice treatment…So why blend in when you can stand out? 
> 
>  
> 
> Mmmhm….there are so many rules now…. Yes it has Daniel in it…But yes it has Jonas in it……yes it is a little risque and there is a vague mention of slash…but the only real contact is het…but it's NOT NC-17 although it does have its poor taste moments…pairings…well does contact count or only thought? If thought then Jonas/Daniel, Jonas/Jack, Jonas/Teal'c, Sam/Teal'c, Sam/Bob, Janet/Daniel, Hammmond/Other…and I think that's it…but the only real contact is Janet and Jonas…aah to heck with it. Read on, hopefully enjoy and immerse yourself in cliches.

Glow Me

By

Denise

 

 

 

 

The wormhole opened with its customary dramatic whoosh. Not hearing the klaxons, the defense teams milled around the room, some tense, others desperately wanting to go grab a cup of coffee.

 

"Who is it?" Hammond demanded, pounding down the stairs, huffing a bit. He really needed to hit the gym more often.

 

"Umm….aah…SG-1," Technician Davis stuttered, shutting down his game as Major Carter and Daniel Jackson exited the rippling surface and hurried down the ramp. Damn them and their timing. He'd almost made it to the last level on Tetris. Now he'd have to start all over.

 

"We have to get to the infirmary. Daniel's stuck his finger in a light socket!" Sam yelled, throwing her arms in the air in frustration. Her friend had the WORST timing. She just knew that Colognan guy had been on the verge of hitting on her. Now the mood was broken. Who needed birth control with Daniel around?

 

"It's not that bad," Daniel protested holding up his wounded finger.

 

"Yo. Medical…You're on!" Davis yelled over the PA system.

 

"Doctor Jackson. THAT is definitely an inappropriate gesture," Hammond protested, seeing the middle finger of the man's right hand extended straight.

 

"What? No sir. I…." The man tried to un-extend the finger and winced in pain.

 

"Sir, that's the finger he injured," Sam explained.

 

"Ooh. Sorry son," he said, ruffling the man's short hair. He frowned. It was no fun to noogie him with short hair. George made a mental note to suggest to the man that long locks were definitely preferable.

 

"What happened?" Janet asked, hurrying into the room. Her eyes lit up as she realized Daniel was her patient. It's good to be the doctor.

 

"We're not sure," Jack O'Neill said, walking down the ramp, his and Teal'c's arrival having gone pretty much unnoticed while everyone was staring at Daniel's rigid finger.

 

"We were not present at the time," Teal'c said cocking his head. That was one gesture he'd never seen the Tau'ri do before.

 

"Let's get him scrubbed down," Janet said, reaching for the man's arm.

 

"No!" Daniel yelled. "Don't touch me!"

 

"Now, now. It's for your own good," She cajoled, waving three nurses and two orderlies forward.

 

"Janet, it's electricity, not radiation," Sam protested.

 

The doctor shot her a chilling look, echoed by all the nurses and one of the orderlies. "Just because you can't get any, don’t spoil my fun," she whispered harshly. Slightly shocked by the doctor's vehemence, Sam backed off.  "Do we know what kind of electricity and how much?"

 

Sam shrugged. She'd been sorta preoccupied at the time. "Umm….it was a light socket. Maybe 220?"

 

"Two hundred and twenty volts?" The doctor asked incredulously. "Oh my God."

 

"Doctor?" Hammond inquired.

 

"That's….a lot," Sam said.

 

 

Hammond hung up his phone silently swearing. It had taken him three weeks of hard wooing to get a date with the woman down the block. And now he had to go and cancel. Damn Jackson and his rotten timing. Why couldn't Daniel have stuck his finger where it didn't belong BEFORE he took that little blue pill? It was going to be a loooonnnnggg afternoon. "As you were," he said, as he walked into the briefing room, sitting down quickly. "Anyone care to tell me what happened?" he demanded, shifting a bit in the chair.

 

Jack stared at Teal'c who shrugged vaguely. "Carter?" He said, waving at her.

 

The major rolled her eyes and sighed. Of course they weren't paying attention. Jack O'Neill's attention span was no longer than his….sidearm. "The Colognes inhabit one of the three major continents on 4C3. We figure they're about up to 1940's level of technology.  And like typical macho male societies, they don't play well with others," she sniped.

 

"It's sort of a cold war," Jack interjected, frowning at Sam. He tried to do the math in his head. Was it that time of the month already?

 

"Anyway," Sam continued, shooting Jack a look. "They discovered the gate years ago but were using it as decoration or something. They also found lots of neat goa'uld stuff left behind. And best of all they're willing to share," she finished blushing a bit. Oh yeah they wanted to share. And if Danny hadn't been such a klutz she'd have gotten her share.

 

 

<*><*><*><*>

 

 

"Wow. Visitors. We never get visitors here," Jonas Quinn enthused, unable to stop staring at the four strangers in his midst, especially Sam. He'd been sequestered here so long…too long.

 

"Security's a little tight," Jack remarked, staring at the man in the corner with the big gun. His hand settled on the butt of his side arm and he frowned. He should have insisted on bringing his P-90…it was way bigger than that puny little rifle.

 

"Hi. I'm Daniel Jackson. This is Colonel O'Neill, Sam Carter and Teal'c," Daniel introduced, reaching out his hand to Jonas.

 

The alien took it and clasped it strongly. "It is a pleasure to meet you…a real pleasure," he said, his voice husky and full of double meaning.

 

"Aah…yo…Joe," Jack said, reaching out to break the handhold. "Care to show us around."

 

"Ooh, of course. Please. Walk this way." The man started down the corridor.

 

"O'Neill."

 

"Yeah Teal'c."

 

"I can not walk that way," he said, eyeing the young native's sashay down the hall.

 

Jack cocked his head and observed the swing of the man's hips. He hadn't seen a sway like that since their last foray into Jell-O wrestling. "That's ok big guy. We'll just hang back and enjoy the view. Carter certainly is." He watched the major fall into step behind Jonas her sigh of pleasure audible even from this far back.

 

 

<*><*><*><*>

 

 

"Jonas as an advisor to their High Minister," Sam explained to her CO.

 

"Their version of president," Jack explained.

 

"He's a very intelligent man. He's got several degrees from their learning institutions, history, social studies…" Sam listed off.

 

"Yeah…he's a total geek sir. Introverted bookworm. He and Daniel could have been separated at birth."

 

 

<*><*><*><*>

 

 

"We'd really love to see where you found the gate. See all the stuff they left behind," Daniel said, taking an obvious step back from Jonas. The man's covetous gaze was starting to give him the heeebie jeebies. "Teal'c and I could help explain some of it to you, maybe translate some of the writings." Daniel reached out and grabbed Teal'c's arm, pulling the man close.

 

"I understand this help comes at a price," Jonas said, his eyes narrowing.

 

"Not much of a one. We just want to get to know you better first," Jack said, holding out a piece of paper.

 

"What's this?" Jonas asked.

 

"We need references. People you know, not your mother by the way. Credit card numbers, birth certificate….the usual," Jack explained.

 

"But I'm alien to you…how will this help?"

 

"Oh we know you're alien…we just want to make sure you're not an illegal alien."

 

They came to a stop outside a large lab and stood there while a light changed color from red to blue. "We can go in now." They entered the lab. "This is Tommy Lee, our chief scientist. Tom, this is SG-1 from Earth."

 

Jack stretched out his hand and shook the scientist's enthusiastically. "So Tommy…how's Pam? Nevermind," he said at the man's blank look. "What's in the box?"

 

"Well...We don't really know. But it's fun to play with." The scientist picked up the ball of alien metal and began tossing it from hand to hand. "Rotten hang time though."

 

"It's called Naquadria," Jonas explained as Teal'c reached out and took the sphere from Tommy and began playing with it.

 

"You mean naquadah," Sam corrected, her eyes fixated on her teammate's rippling muscles.

 

"No. Naquadria. What, just because we're not as advanced as you we can't read?" Jonas demanded.

 

 

<*><*><*><*>

 

 

"They were going to make a bomb sir," Jack said.

 

"Colonel, you don't know that," Sam protested.

 

"Of course I do. They're aliens. They always want to make bombs and blow stuff up. And anyway, it's in the script, see?" Jack tossed the large sheaf of paper on the tabletop.

 

"We have a script?" Teal'c asked, picking up the bound papers. "My script is not this big."

 

"That's because they never let you talk Teal'c," Sam explained, rising up from her seat and pulling a bundle the size of the New York City phone book from her seat. She dropped it onto the table, making the oak furnishing quake. When she sat back down she could barely see over the lip of the table.

 

"Hey," Jack protested. "Yours is bigger than mine. I thought I was supposed to have the biggest one?"

 

"You keep fumbling over trans-phase eradication rods, electromagnetic spectrum, stellar drift and you can't say theoretically. Which is why I get stuck with all the technobabble…sir," Sam snapped.

 

"I can say trans…port…rods…spectral thingie," he bumbled. "And anyway who cares…it's magnets…all magnets."

 

"Aahem," Hammond cleared his throat. "Back to the matter at hand. Does anyone know how Doctor Jackson got injured."

 

"Ooh…well…" Jack sputtered.

 

"We were not present at the time of the incident," Teal'c said wondering why O'Neill did now want to reveal what they were doing at the time.

 

"I thought it was procedure for no member of an off world team to be left alone?" Hammond asked. "What exactly were you doing?" he demanded.

 

"Well, we aah…umm…Target practice sir," He said quickly.

 

"Target practice?" the general asked skeptically.

 

"Yes sir, practicing our hand/eye coordination."

 

"O'Neill, were we not writing our names in the sn...ow." The Jaffa jumped as Jack kicked him under the table.

 

"That covers the two of you…Major, what were you doing?"

 

"Me?"

 

"You are the only major in this room."

 

"Ooh, right. Well I was…gathering intelligence from one of the other scientists."

 

"That's what they call it?" Jack demanded as Sam's face turned a fiery red.

 

"Yes sir…that's what they call it," she said through gritted teeth.

 

Remembering that his second had rather impressive hand to hand skills, plus the ability to cream goa'uld with a thought, Jack backed down. She also had carnal knowledge of his sidearm. "I guess I ought to ask Daniel what's going on," Jack suggested.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

"So glow boy…What's up? Other than your finger of course?" Jack asked, strolling into the infirmary.

 

Daniel was sitting on one of the gurneys clad only in a pair of white scrubs. His hair was still damp and Jack could see red patches on his arms where he assumed the nurses had gotten a little too enthusiastic with their scrubbing. "I want to know…when does a tiny little electrical burn require a full body scrub and a proctological exam?" the archaeologist demanded, shifting uncomfortably.

 

"Umm…we….since you stuck your finger in the Cologne's light socket. You blew their power grid by the way. Total black out. They lost three tons of ice cream…they're gonna take it outta your check."

 

"That is so not fair. I mean I.." Daniel trailed off.

 

"You what, your brightness?" Jack asked, concerned.

 

"Nothing." His friend frumped back on the bed, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

"No. It's not nothing. Tell me," Jack pleaded, laying his hand on Daniel's shoulder.

 

"Well…it's just…"

 

Suddenly Jack looked at his watch. "Whoa. Is it that late? Damn. Danny, I'll be back." He immediately fled the room muttering 'mmmhm pie' under his breath.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

Twenty minutes later Jack entered Sam's lab, the last piece of a pumpkin pie clutched in his hand. "So, Carter. What's up?" He muttered around a mouthful of filling.

 

Sam looked up and frowned at her CO. "Pie? You know I'm on a diet and you come in here cramming pie in your face?" She demanded, her hands on her hips.

 

"Hey, give me some credit." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small Tupperware container of Jell-O. "Brought you something too." She took it with a smile. "It's even sugar free."

 

She set it down on the table. "Sugar free? Are you suggesting that I NEED sugar free? Because I'll have you know that there are plenty of people around here that really NEED to be on a diet."

 

"Yeah. Right. Ok." He took a step away. Definitely that time of the month. "So…what ya working on?" he looked at the various items scattered on the tabletop.

 

"Just some stuff from the planet."

 

"Anything to replace three tons of ice cream?"

 

"No, sir. But I think this stuff could be a really cool power source."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yeah. I need to test it and all but it looks totally radical. But there is one thing sir."

 

"There's always a but," Jack groaned.

 

"What I see on paper is neat but…I really NEED this naquadria."

 

"Carter, they're pissed at us. If we go back there they're going to demand that we replace all the damaged stuff. And while you may not have a life, I have truck payments to make."

 

"Colonel…please." Sam batted her eyes at her CO. "I weally, weally want some. I'll talk to the cook…get him to make more pie," she cajoled.

 

"Aah…" She picked the pie out of his hands and stuck her finger in the filling, licking it off her digit suggestively. "Ok. Naquadria. Ya got it." He turned and almost ran from the room.

 

With a satisfied grin, Sam wiped her fingers off on her uniform pants and opened her desk drawer, gazing fondly at the phallic device resting in its red satin lined box. The only thing that appeared to be immune to her black widow curse, likely because it wasn't alive.  "You hear that Bob?...who needs duracell? I'll make you a naquadria power source and…. The sky's the limit."

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

"So general you see…Carter needs this stuff," Jack said, leaning forward in his seat.

 

General Hammond shifted uneasily and took a deep breath. Man this stuff had staying power. Why did it never work this long the other times he'd used it. Registering the expectant silence he looked up. "I’m sorry Jack, what was that?" He said, trying to keep his voice even.

 

"This naquad…stuff. Carter wants it."

 

"You said yourself that the Colognes hold Doctor Jackson responsible. Do you really think it's smart to go back there?"

 

"Well…we could…you know…" Jack made vague motions with his hands.

 

"Know what colonel?" Hammond asked.

 

"Well…surely in that 7.4 billion we could slip a few thousand to the Colognes to pay for their ice cream. Captain Electric never has to know. I mean, it's not like he's going to be going back there or anything," Jack suggested.

 

Hammond stopped and thought. It could work. And if they could resolve this intergalactic incident soon he could get home and take advantage of the situation. "I'll cut you a check colonel," he said eagerly, reaching in the drawer for his checkbook.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

Jack walked down the halls of the Cologne's Hall of Science, ignoring the chilling looks from the natives. Geez, one little misstep and you're branded for life. He hadn't been the recipient of so many dirty looks since he'd forgotten to get the water heater replaced and everyone had had cold showers for two weeks.

 

"Colonel O'Neill." He heard. He turned to see Jonas headed his way, a welcoming grin on his face.

 

"Jonas, hi."

 

"I didn't think you were coming back?" the young man asked, remembering Jack's vehement 'I am not buying you groceries,'.

 

"Oh. Yeah, well…here." Jack thrust the slip of paper into Jonas' hands.

 

"What is this?"

 

"It's a check. Paying for the damaged food."

 

Jonas frowned and tried to shove the check into his pocket. Then he remembered that he didn't have any and settled for pushing it into his waistband.

 

"So." Jack clapped his hands together. "I got a little favor."

 

"Of course Colonel. What can I do for you?" Jonas eyed him appreciatively.

 

"Na…naquad…that cool stuff. We need some."

 

"So?"

 

"Soooo. You know. I scratch your back, you scratch mine."

 

"Really?" Jonas asked hopefully.

 

"NO. No. It's a figure of speech. What I mean is we paid for the damage. How about you share some naquadria?"

 

"I can't do that. It's too important to my people." Jack's face fell. Of course it wouldn't be that easy. If only he hadn't played the good guy and busted those rogue teams. He sure could use some nefarious help right about now. "Then again," Jonas said softly, moving in closer. "Maybe we can come to an arrangement."

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

Sam looked through the high observation window. Daniel was still lying on the gurney, staring listlessly at the far wall. "He doesn't look good," She said to Janet who walked in the room.

 

"Oh I think he looks pretty good," Janet drawled.

 

"I mean…it's just his finger. Shouldn't he be faunching at the bit to get out of there?" Sam asked. Usually her friend was harassing the nurses to go to his office and work, regardless of his physical state. Siler had even installed an IV hook by his desk so he could work and not be encumbered by the bag.

 

Janet sighed. "I know. I don't know what's wrong. He's just lying there. I haven't seen a funk this deep since the commissary switched to decaf. You know…maybe it'd be better to just put him out of his misery?"

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

Sam walked into Daniel's room, a king sized chocolate bar clutched in her fist. "Daniel? I brought you something." He continued to stare at the far wall. Frowning a bit she unwrapped the sweet and waved it in front of his nose. "It's your favorite…Snickers."

 

Getting no response other than the growling of her stomach, she absent-mindedly took a bite. "You know Daniel. If something is bugging you, you can talk to me. I mean we talk all the time," She said around a mouthful of peanuts and nougat. "I told you about Jonas…the first Jonas. And all about those dreams of Jolinar's. I really have to try some of that stuff. Although I might need to try some yoga first. Who'd have thought she and Martouf would have gotten THAT creative. But I guess, they did have a few hundred years to practice and all." She took another bite. "So…enough about me. What's wrong Daniel?" She knelt over him and took another bite, bits of chocolate falling on his arm. He stayed silent and stared at the far wall. "Daniel. Please," She pleaded, taking his hand in her own. He opened his mouth to speak.  "Ooh. Damn." She interrupted. "I left an experiment running….I'll be right back," She dropped his hand roughly and fled the room, leaving behind the empty candy wrapper. With a sigh he slumped back down, totally dejected.

 

 

Daniel stood in the gateroom. The cavernous space was uncharacteristically empty. 'Your fate is in your hands.' He heard. Daniel spun around, searching for the source. "What?" he asked. 'Your fate is in your hands.' He heard again. "Who are you?" He demanded. He saw a white clad figure start to walk out from behind the stargate…and then it disappeared as a hand roughly shook his shoulder, waking him up.

 

 

"Yo Daniel." He heard.

 

"Hi Jack," he said tiredly.

 

His friend sat on the edge of his narrow bed, forcing Daniel to scoot over to the very edge before he got squashed. "Carter tells me you're sulking," Jack said, sipping a cup of coffee. Daniel felt his mouth water and he swallowed hard before he started to drool. He reached out a tentative hand to try and take the cup from Jack. "OK. Fine. Be that way," Jack said, hopping up. His bed off balance now Daniel let out a small screech as he fell over, conking his head on the hard concrete floor.

 

 

 

"Your friends do not like you," the woman said, standing before him, her hair glowing ethereally.

 

"Who are you?"

 

"When the mind is light, the body bare, the spirit is free."

 

"Oma. Is that you? Or is someone else reading your lines?"

 

"You must complete your journey. You are clogging up the highways of ascension."

 

"I'm what?"

 

"You should have moved on months ago. People are getting backlogged. You are delaying progress," she said, reaching out to brush a piece of lint off his shoulder.

 

"Ok. So…help me out here."

 

"To truly ascend you must do what no man does."

 

"Ok. I'll do it. Consider it done."

 

"Many roads lead to the Great Path. Only the willing will find their way."

 

"I'm willing. I’m willing. Do your thing. Glow me," he said. She reached out and slapped him across the face. "What'd you do that for?" He complained, rubbing his sore cheek.

 

"A lady doesn't do that," She put her hands on her hips.

 

"Right. How did I know it's not that easy."

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

"What are you doing here?" Jack demanded, walking into the observation room. Jonas stood there at Hammond's side. The alien was carrying a small box. They stared at Daniel, who was still lying unconscious on the floor where he'd fallen over an hour before.

 

"I brought you this. Our part of the bargain." Jonas held out the box to Jack who took it.

 

"Colonel?" Hammond asked. "What exactly was the bargain? Wasn't my check sufficient?"

"Well sorta sir. Jonas here has offered to trade some naquadria for…" Jack trailed off.

 

"For what colonel?"

 

"Your Major Carter…she's not committed is she?" Jonas asked.

 

"Committed. No. Although there are times that I think she should be."

 

"Then I see no problem," Jonas said.

 

"Aah. Excuse us." Jack nodded at Hammond and the two officers stepped aside.

 

"What exactly did you promise him Colonel?" Hammond asked.

 

"Well sir. Jonas…he doesn't get out much."

 

"I'm not getting your point colonel."

 

"You remember Sho'nac? How temple priestesses don't date much?" he prodded. "Well, Jonas here…he hasn't…he's never…umm…" Jack motioned his index finger through a ring made by his index finger and thumb on his other hand.

 

"He's NEVER?" Hammond asked amazed.

 

"No. And he was thinking that…well a little stolen naquadria and becoming an outcast from his planet was a small price to pay for not dying a virgin."

 

"Have you cleared this with Major Carter, son?"

 

"Should I? I mean, can't you just order her or something?"

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

"No one pays any attention to me!" Daniel complained, pacing in circles around Oma.

 

"That is not true," she placated.

 

"Really? You know I'm just lying there right. I fall over and just lie there on the cold concrete floor for almost two hours! If it were Sam who'd fallen over the general would have called a general alert. Nobody likes me," he pouted.

 

"You can not reach enlightenment if no one thinks you are worthy," Oma said.

 

"Then I guess we may have a problem,"

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

Teal'c walked into the infirmary stopping to squat by Daniel's side who was still lying on the floor. "Daniel Jackson. I wished to inform you that I am removing this statue from your possession. He held up a small statue. "I am returning to the Land of Light to visit Drey'ac and have need of it. I did not tell you, this statue is a representation of the Jaffa God of Fertility. I have need of it while you do not." He stood up. "I thank you for caring for this for me." He then turned and left the room.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

"Because it is so clear it takes a long time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago," Oma said softly.

 

"Yeah, yeah. You said that at Kheb and I didn't get it then either."

 

She stopped and frowned. "I don't get it either." She pulled a small sheaf of paper out of her pocket. "But that's what they tell me to say." She held the script out to him.

 

He took it and read the lines printed there. "What is all this meta-physical mumbo jumbo anyway?"

She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I'm just a guest star. You're the regular. I thought you knew what was going on."

 

"You know what?" he said, tossing the scripts over his shoulder. "Let's blow this Popsicle stand." He took her hand and left the room, dragging her behind him.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

"You said WHAT!!!? Sam demanded, storming down the stairs from Hammond's office.

 

"Come on Carter. It's for the good of Earth," Jack protested, trailing after her.

 

"You think it's such a great idea, you do it!" she yelled.

 

"Now Major," Hammond said, trying to defuse the situation.

 

"Don't you major me General. Did you know about this?? How could you? What am I? The SGC's own private prostitute?"

 

"You were the one complaining to Fraiser last month that you never got any," Jack said. "Here I am trying to resolve your situation. The least you could do is be grateful. Just don't kill him this time. The paperwork's a bitch."

 

"Grateful? If you think it's such a great idea…you do it!" She said again. "I mean if anyone around here has a habit of shacking up with aliens it's not me."

 

"Oh yeah?" Who's got aliens in her living room?"

 

"Who's boinked more women than Captain Kirk? At least I'm not leaving a trail of little paternity suits around the universe." She pulled Sargent Davis out of his chair, ignoring his squeak of protest as she closed his game of Tetris.

 

"Carter, what are you doing?" Jack demanded.

 

"I’m sending that dude back where he came from. To hell with the naquadria. I'll just use duracell. Bob will understand." Her fingers flew across the keyboard as she typed in the commands to dial up the Cologne's home world. In her flurry of typing she didn't notice the pajama clad figure run into the gate room pulling an unknown woman behind him.

 

"Where are we going?" Oma demanded, struggling to keep up with Daniel in the high heels she was wearing.

 

"Abydos. There's a planet that gives a damn. They listen to me, pay attention to me. They like me…really like me!" He yelled, storming up the ramp, leaving Oma behind.

 

"And they don't like you here?" She asked.

 

He turned to face her, his arms outstretched. "What do you think?" He asked as the wormhole opened with a dramatic whoosh. Oma stared as the vortex settled, leaving nothing behind but a pair of feet on the ramp.

 

'Medical team to the embarkation room!'

 

Oma quickly made herself invisible as the people she recognized as SG-1 hurried into the room.

 

"Did you see that?" the blond woman asked.

 

"What the hell us going on? Who was that?" The human she recognized, as Jack O'Neill demanded.

 

"I am unaware of the person's identity," the jaffa said, striding up the ramp and squatting beside the faintly smoking feet.

 

"Carter? What did you do?" O'Neill said.

 

"Me? Why is it always me? Didn't you even think to consider that someone ELSE just might be responsible? NOOOOO. It's blame Carter. Right off the bat, it's my fault. It's because I'm a woman isn't it?" She demanded, stalking towards her CO who backed away from her.

 

"Stand down Major," Hammond ordered. "Or do I have to confiscate Bob?" He threatened when she made no move to step back.

 

"Ok. Ok." She backed off, he face contrite.

 

"What's the emergency?" Janet demanded hurrying into the room. The doctor was frantically repining her hair and Sam could see that her shirt was on inside out. Jonas was in a similar state, his borrowed boots untied with the laces trailing behind him.

 

"Someone got too close to the gate again," Sam reported, wrinkling her nose in disgust as she pointed out the bodiless feet.

 

"Ewwe," Janet said, struggling up the ramp. She paused, took off her shoes, switched feet, and continued on.

 

She knelt by the shoes and picked one of them up. Giving the grisly artifact a cursory look she tipped it over, spilling five perfect toes onto the ramp. "Oh my God," she gasped, picking up one of the items.

"What doctor?" Hammond asked as her faint flush faded.

 

"I know these toes. They're Daniel's," she whispered.

 

"Really?" Jack picked one of them up. He turned it over in his hand. "Well I'll be damned. She's right. I recognize the ingrown toe nail he was always complaining about."

 

"Daniel's gone?" Sam asked.

 

"It appears so Major Carter."

 

"But…but I had so much I wanted to tell him," she sputtered.

 

"Perhaps we can still accomplish that," the jaffa said softly.

 

"How?"

 

"There is a belief among Jaffa that for a period of time a person's spirit resides in a person's belongings," he said meaningfully.

 

"Belongings? You mean like his stuff?"

 

"I do indeed."

 

"Dibs on his lap top." She turned and hurried from the room followed quickly by Teal'c.

 

"Umm…Sir I gotta…bye." Jack brushed past Hammond. "Hey wait up! I'm the colonel. Rank hath its privileges."

 

Hammond watched them leave, then turned back to Jonas and Janet. "Jonas, I'm sorry. It appears that we haven't upheld our part of the bargain…"

 

"Oh quite the contrary," Jonas looked meaningfully at the doctor who blushed furiously. "The naquadria is yours with my compliments." He turned back to Janet. "If you're done here do you think you can show me this '69' maneuver?"

 

"Umm. Sure. Aah...General. If you'll excuse me?" the young woman got to her feet and the pair hurried from the room.

 

"Doctor. You forgot your…oh never mind," Hammond said, staring at the ten orphaned toes lying abandoned on the ramp. "How the hell am I going to explain this one," he muttered as he turned and left the gateroom.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

Oma watched him go with a sigh, making herself visible. "Oh Daniel." She gently picked up the ten digits and cradled them gently in her hands. She put her hands together and shook them like someone shaking dice. With a quick motion she threw them into the air.

 

There was a brilliant flash of light and Daniel stood before her clad in a brilliant white Armani suit. "What just happened? I thought I was aah…"

 

"You were dead," she said. "Now are you ready to bail on these losers or do you want to hang with the cool folks?"

 

Daniel thought a minute. "Do you have coffee?"

 

Oma smiled brilliantly. "Where do you think Starbucks came from?"

 

"Sweet. Let's blow this joint," he said. Two incandescent beings of light ascended through the cement ceilings of the SGC…never to be seen again.

 

 

~Fin~


End file.
